Goal Setting

“If an egg is broken by outside force, LIFE ENDS. If broken by inside force, LIFE BEGINS. Great things always begin from inside” [Jim Kwik]

I love this quote – so true and so simple…

Imagine what life would be like if you were at one with yourself – warts and all… You would be free of self-criticism – that little annoying voice that tells you what you SHOULD do.

As I type this from my hotel terrace in Antalya, a man whom I met last night passes by [we will call him Joe]– he gestures to me pointing out the woman and child preceding him – no doubt his wife and daughter – and then turns away. I interpret this as a sign of guilt, but what is there to be guilty about? It was an honest exchange of words and thoughts, in full public.

It is one thing to be mindful of his wife’s feelings, but another to feel remorse at engaging in a conversation with a member of the opposite sex. What kind of life is he living if he cannot be authentic with his spouse? What sort of relationship is that? Is she aware of his duplicity?

You may say that these are HER norms and she does not want him to enter into such exchanges. If that is the case, he is in conflict with his desire to chat with strangers (who happen to be female), but he has a CHOICE – and he is choosing to forego his natural behaviour to please her. Where does that lead them? I would venture to say it leads them into a relationship based on deceit.

My late husband would quip “you are a flirt” and when I first asked him how he felt about that, he replied: “you are a flirt and you will always be a flirt”. Imagine what it would feel like if ‘Joe’ was able to say that to himself that he liked talking to women and that was alright. Would that not make life a better place for him?

In the same vein, still in Turkey, I woke up this morning to the rain that had been forecast; I had planned to visit one of the malls and carry out some errands for friends back home, but I feel tired and even a bit lethargic.

In the past, I would have pushed myself to go on regardless of my fatigue. This time, I decide not to and to stay in instead, read and write [as I am doing now!]. If I am not able to undertake these chores later on during this holiday, I will tell my friends why, – more or less convinced they will understand and acknowledge that it was not indifference on my part, but a recognition that I needed to look after myself too. In other words, I am not going to ignore my personal needs to people please.

And, guess what? I feel emboldened. I have not been selfish – I have weighed up the options and stuck to my credo of not thinking about the SHOULDs in favour of the WILLs.

As Anna Mathur puts it, “when the aim [of people pleasing] is to gain validation through pleasing others, you are more likely to end up feeling burnt out and resentful”.

What you need to do is to change your mindset and, in doing, change your language – as illustrated in the following graph:

Rid yourself of verbs like SHOULD, COULD in favour of WILL, CAN. And, by the same token, get rid of comparative adjectives (BETTER, CLEVERER, HIGHER). Surround yourself with positive affirmations and enjoy it!

In this context, I am reminded of a wonderful analogy which my Coaching Tutor.  John Perry, used: imagine being on a plane which is running out of fuel, how would you feel if the pilot announced he would TRY to land?

When my clients are setting goals, I encourage them to use the SMART model:

S         Specific
M       Measurable
A        Achievable
R        Relevant
T        Time-bound.

SPECIFIC –

• Whatdo I want to accomplish?
• Whois involved?
• Whereis it located?
• Whichresources or limits are involved?

MEASURABLE –

• How many qualifications will I need
• How will I know when it is accomplished?

ACHIEVABLE –

• How realistic is that you can get these qualifications

RELEVANT –

• Does this seem worthwhile?
• Is this the right time?
• Does this match our other efforts/needs?
• Am I the right person to reach this goal?
• Is it applicable in the current socio-economic environment?

TIME-BOUND-

• When?
• What can I do six months from now?
• What can I do six weeks from now?
• What can I do today?

Applying the SMART Method will help you create clear, attainable and meaningful goals, and develop the motivation, action plan, and support needed to achieve them.

I also encourage my clients to be accountable to someone – reporting back on what is working and why some other initiatives are not. It is important to learn from the set-backs and avoid disappointment, because we learnt from these.

Early on in my career, I was mentoring a former Sergeant Major, Mark Taylor, into civilian life. Because Mark adored driving and everything car-related, he considered doing something in the industry and discovered along the way that this would require numerous licences and qualifications – many more than either of us had anticipated. Ultimately, he decided to go down another route (if you forgive the pun!). He also acknowledged this was not a waste of time, it was all part of the discovery. By acknowledging that path was not for him he was able to move onto something else – a handyman and then subsequently as a Policeman. We must remember at all times that life is a journey and to embrace that discovery…

In fact, Mark also recognised my work with him, stating that I was “there for the journey” – a wonderful compliment from a kind, diligent man and soldier.